When was the last time you felt full after eating? Hopefully, it was at your last meal. Because that’s kind of the point of eating. Satisfying your body until the next time you need some more fuel in the tank.
But lately, I never feel full. And it’s terrifying.
I can eat twice the amount of my friends and still be wanting more. Sometimes it’s not even a physical hunger but more of a mental hunger. I just want more food.
Needing “above average” amounts of food made sense to me when I was still underweight and trying to gain weight. It would also make sense if suddenly I had started working out a lot or had a very active job.
But none of those things are true. I’m at a healthy, restored weight (and have been for over a year now), sit at a desk job all day and rarely work out except for walking and some yoga.
So why am I never full?
I’m realizing the answer is pretty simple. I’m never full because my body is still repairing itself.
Even though it’s been over a year and a half since I was discharged from inpatient treatment, my body still needs to fix the damage I’ve done. Because if I’m being 100% honest, I’ve relapsed a few times in the past year and lately have found myself in a somewhat restrictive mindset.
Breaking free of that and letting myself eat whatever and whenever I want is of course going to trigger a huge, seemingly unquenchable appetite. Because my body is rejoicing that is finally getting the nutrients and energy it needs. My body is crying out in happiness, it is shouting for more, it’s praying that it continues to get fuel to thrive.
As soon as my body realized I have the ability to feed it, it has kicked my hunger into overdrive. It’s trying to make up for the days I under-ate, even if just by a little. It’s trying to make up for the days I skipped meals, the days I didn’t listen to my hunger signals, the days I tried to be “good”.
So yes, never feeling full and having extreme hunger this far into recovery is scary. I’m terrified by it. But I also know the only way out is through it. The only way to get better is to keep eating no matter what because being constantly hungry is actually a positive sign that my body is working and my metabolism is a speedy little demon. We have to trust our bodies because they know what WE need. Not what the girl in the office next to me needs. Not what my sister needs. But what I need.
Not to mention, never being full is the perfect excuse to eat endless macaroni and cheese and chocolate covered pretzels. 🙂