“i’m not sick enough”

“but i’m not sick enough”.

those were the words i kept repeating to my parents every time they urged me to go to the hospital.

“but i’m not sick enough”.

those were the words i thought wheneverΒ my grandmother begged me to eat more than a handful of grapes for dinner.

“but i’m not sick enough”.

those were the words i cried to the doctor when she calmly informed me they were admitting me to inpatient treatment.

let me tell you something i’ve learned through recovery. if you ever once think the words “i’m not sick enough”, then i promise you ARE sick enough. because that is a heavily eating disordered thought. if you are even questioning whether or not you need help, please get help. immediately.

see, when you are in the depths of your eating disorder, your perceptions are incredibly distorted. you look in the mirror and actually see fat where other people see bones. you think you binged when really you ate what other people consider an insufficient snack. you don’t see anything the way it is in reality. and it’s not your fault. it’s your eating disorder. but the point is, you cannot trust yourself. and you most definitely cannot trust the voice in your head telling you you’re not sick enough.

when i thought i wasn’t sick enough or thin enough to need treatment, i was a week away from my heart giving out. i had so many health issues, it was ridiculous. and yet, my eating disorder had convinced me i was still a failure… i was still fat, still needed to lose weight, still could do “better”. thank goodness i had a concerned family that stepped in and forced me to seek professional help because if i had only listened to myself, i probably would not be alive today.

so if the words “but i’m not sick enough” ever cross your lips or even your mind, please know that you are. you are sick enough. to want help, to need help, to DESERVE help. trust the voices of those who love you because they are the ones who want to save your life, the ones who can shut off the eating disorder voice in your head, the ones who will pick you up and whisper “you are sick enough. but most of all, you are enough”.

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